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  • Kate Litteken

A Walk in Darkness

Many moons ago in an attempt to find order within the chaos and bring clarity to the murky waters I found myself wading through, I returned to school. In hindsight, I wasn't seeking education and a professional degree to help others but to help myself. Like so many who feel lost, like the Universes' game of Russian Roulette is waiting for them, I clawed for control through self discovery disguised as Higher Education. I desperately needed to find answers as to where my center vanished to. I devoured my education. As a single mother of two very young toddlers I doubled up on my graduate hours while working full time and obtained the degree I so voraciously sought in half the time. And while I became an excellent Clinical Therapist for children and their families, I continued to wander. Lost to the explanation as to where the path curved without me.

And then the Client taught the Clinician.

"I used to walk in the darkness. Now I wander in the light.".

Simple complexity. I fear I continue to walk in the darkness with brief rays of the light peaking through the poignant haze of shallow breaths. I crave the light. I search for the light even as I bow my head to its rays and say silent prayers that I find my bearings in the darkness. The journey of finding me is in its infancy. Barely a wrinkle has been made in the taut webbing that has encapsulated the boundaries of my world. But it's there, a small tug at the seams that promises to bring cracks to the darkness and allow the light to permeate the depths of me. I want to wander in the light with my eyes turned upwards. Looking life in the face without despair and longing. Then I can breathe. Then I will see the path as it curves and I can follow or decide to forge ahead on the path unknown. That is when I will find the control I sought years ago amongst the chaos. That is when I will know me.

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