I'm Tired.

I'm tired. It's fairly simple to state. Two small words that hold such a vast amount of meaning. Two words that are embedded with decades of innumerable moments that culminated in...I'm tired.

During a recent conversation with a very dear loved one it was pointed out to me that I have a very fortunate life. And while I do not disagree with that statement on some levels, there are a multitude of other levels that I feel I am very unfortunate. Maybe even disadvantaged.

Single parenthood is not a choice I would have willingly walked into had there been other viable and healthy options present. Single parenthood, specifically single motherhood, is a walk that I do not wish on others. It is exhausting. The constant demand that is encompassing you is inescapable in its tenacity to consume the minutes of your life. The vast array of duties and roles that must be met is enough to bring a warrior to their knees begging for mercy. The lack of intimacy, being connected to another, and contact comfort is at times so dispiriting that you fear this is where The Nothing resides.

The culmination being I'm tired. I'm tired because there are no minutes left to breathe. To focus on no one else's needs but your own. And when you do manage to carve out a weekend away the guilt that arrives to welcome you shrouds the joy. I'm tired because I hear "I'm sorry" from people. I'm tired because I hear "I understand" from people. When in fact they cannot understand your path, unless they themselves walk the path of single motherhood. When I'm sorry and I understand are offered without a momentary solution or means to help they are hollow. They are offered as a way to ease the discomfort of the other.

I'm tired of feeling that I should wear a facade to ease others moments.